


Hurt

by clamu_hnod



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Domestic Violence, F/M, Homophobic Language, I suck at tagging, Self-Discovery, let me know if i miss anything, self deprication, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-04-22 21:50:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4851728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clamu_hnod/pseuds/clamu_hnod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things don't always go as planned. Your relationship started out as one full of love and laughter, but lately has taken a turn for the worst. Ashton has been busy with the band, so you didn't get to see him much. Then one day he came over to question the bruises littering your body. But is he too late?</p><p>or</p><p>The one where Ashton assists your leaving an abusive relationship</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This was originally posted on my tumblr: clamu-hnod (I used to be 5sos-visual-blurbs). If you wanna go follow me on there, you can feel free to request stories which I will gladly write. Enjoy!

You jumped when you heard your front door slam shut and immediately made sure your hair was fixed perfectly before you opened the bottle of wine for dinner. Your boyfriend always came home at 7:00pm and dinner was to be ready, and wine was to be being poured. However, tonight he had come home a little later than expected so you were worried that the food might have cooled off a bit.

“How was work, sweetie?” You asked as he sat down in his spot at the head of the table. You poured his wine, poured yours as well, and then took your seat.

“Fine.” He gruffed out. You watched as he chugged his glass and immediately refilled it for him. You waited until he took a bite of food before taking one yourself, instantly stopping your chewing when you realized it was cold.

“What the fuck is this?” He asked coolly. You took another bite of food and shrugged.

“What’s what?” You asked quietly. Your heart was beating a million miles per minute when you looked into his eyes. Cool, emotionless. You finished chewing and reached for your wine glass. Before you could grab it he smacked it off the table and slammed his hand down causing you to jump.

“Why is my food cold?” He asked. You shook your head at him, feeling the tears well up.

“I’m sorry. You came home later than I thought you would so-” He stood up now and towered over you.

“So now it’s my fault, huh? Everything is always my fault. I give you one fucking job to do while you live in my house, and you manage to fuck it up. Oh but it’s still my fault.” He said darkly. You knew better than to argue so you grabbed his plate and stood up.

“I-I’m sorry, I’ll go heat it up.” Before you could leave, he grabbed your arm harshly to stop you, causing you to drop the plate.

“Damn it, Y/N, you’re so fucking useless. Can’t you do anything right? I paid good fucking money for these dishes and here you go breaking them. I work so damn hard to make this a good home for us, and you ruin everything.” He yelled and you couldn’t stop the tears from falling as the back of his hand meets your cheek. He grabs your hair and pulls your face to his, causing you to smell the wine on his breath.

“Stop blubbering and clean this shit up.” He said through clenched teeth before throwing you down, grabbing a beer, and walking to the living room where you heard him turn on Sports Center. You dried your eyes quickly with the back of your sleeve and cleaned up the mess. You were grateful because television always relaxed him. Once you cleaned up dinner and heated up some frozen chicken wings for him, you walked out to the living room. You handed him his plate, a fresh beer, and then sat on the other side of the room, eyes glued to the t.v.

“Y/N,” he said gently, causing you to look over at him. He patted the seat next to him and smiled as you walked over and cuddled under his arm, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. Bad day at work. You know I love you, right?” His words calmed you and you nodded briefly. “Gimme a kiss.” He said, and you pecked his lips. You smiled and cuddled back into the crook of his arm. It was just a bad day, which explained his irrational behavior. He would never scare or hurt you on purpose. He always had a reason. You could feel him rubbing gentle shapes into your back and you reached up to kiss him again before both of you turned your attention back to the t.v. for the remainder of the night.


	2. Too Far

You two had gone a week without any mishaps like the one disastrous dinner. You had been on your best behavior, but one night your boyfriend just wasn’t in a good mood. Therefore, you suffered the consequences. You were left sporting multiple bruises on your arms and a split lip. You would give people the rehearsed line, “Ethan was taking me out and I fell down the stairs. Another reason I shouldn’t wear heels!” Which would receive a few chuckles.

However, you made plans to hang out with an old best friend of yours, Ashton Irwin. He had been on tour with his band for a few months, so you hadn’t seen him in forever. He knew your story was false. You used to dance. You were one of the most graceful people he knew. So when you were sitting in your living room drinking a beer with him, your boyfriend yet to come home, he pressed the matter.

“Okay, but what really happened?” He asked, bringing the bottle to his lips. You stared at your own, almost untouched beer before shaking your head.

“It’s nothing, really. He doesn’t mean to. He just has a temper.” You said quietly, playing with the mouth of the bottle.

“Wait, Ethan did this to you?” He hissed, placing his drink on the coffee table in front of the two of you.

“He loves me, Ash. He really does,” your eyes pleaded with him to understand, “it’s my fault. I always mess up. He wouldn’t get angry if I didn’t give him a reason to.” This was all true to you. He would tell you all the time that he loved you, but you fucked up so much. He would be the only person to accept you the way you are. He’s the only person patient enough to deal with all of your mistakes. You deserved the punishment you got.

“This isn’t love,” Ashton replied through gritted teeth, “what else has he done to you?” You refused to meet his gaze, instead keeping your eyes on your beer.

“Just drop it, it’s not a big deal.” You muttered.

“What’s not a big deal?” Your head whipped around to see your boyfriend standing in the doorway, smiling broadly.

“Ethan!” You said, jumping up to kiss him. He returned your kiss and grabbed your hand in his.

“Ashton, good to see you again.” He said smoothly, sending a smile in Ashton’s direction. Instead of responding, the curly headed boy simply downed his beer and set it back on the table. “Well, I have some stuff to work on, so I’ll be upstairs in the office. Come by before you go to bed, I wanna ask you something.” You winced as he squeezed your hand just a tad harder than necessary, but he covered it with a kiss before jogging up the stairs.  
“See? He’s in a good mood tonight. Work must have gone well.” You knew you were lying, and Ashton knew as well. He was not in a good mood, especially since Ashton was drinking his beer that he bought with the money he made to support the two of you. Not the two of you plus Ashton.

“Y/N, I can’t just leave you here.” He said quietly, his hands balled into fists.

“I think you should go, Ash. Ethan is going to be upset if you don’t leave soon.” You muttered, crossing your arms and kicking the floor gently. You heard Ashton stand and grab his jacket, shrugging it on. 

“Y/N….” You were engulfed in his warm arms and you held back tears, “I love you. Stay safe please.” You felt so warm, and just like that it was gone. He smiled sadly and walked out the front door. 

You grabbed the beer, and not two seconds later did your boyfriend hop down the stairs and meet you in the kitchen.

“So Ashton is back in town. And drinking all of my beer, apparently.” He said, grabbing yours out of your hand as you threw Ashton’s bottle away. He took a swig and eyed you making you shift on your feet.

“Did you need something?” You asked, smiling sweetly at him. He finished the beer and threw it against the wall behind you, causing you to grab your head and shut your eyes tight in fear.

“Clean that fucking mess up, you whore.” He said flatly. You could feel the anger radiating off of him as you turned around and picked up the pieces of broken bottle. You could feel his eyes on you, and after you tossed them in the garbage can, you felt him push you up against the wall. He slammed his mouth into yours and you attempted to push him off.

“Ethan, stop!” You yelled, pushing his shoulder back with all your strength.

“I knew you were cheating on me with him. You worthless slut!” You cried as he screamed at you and drew his hand back, hitting you with such a force you fell to the ground. You simply pulled your knees up to your chest and covered your ears as he stood over you, yelling insult after insult, before grabbing you by the hair and throwing you across the room. His outbursts had been more frequent lately, but this one really hit home for you. You heard him storm up the stairs and slam the bedroom door. 

You immediately stood and walked over to the couch, grabbing your phone. You dialed Ashton’s number and you couldn’t hold back the sobs as he picked up.

“Ash, I…I need you.” You whimpered, staring at your bedroom door, desperately hoping Ethan didn't hear your sobbing words.


	3. The Great Escape

You sat as quietly as you could next to your front door. You were clutching your wallet and your phone. You didn’t tear your eyes away from your bedroom door. It remained shut until you heard Ashton’s car horn indicating he was there. The door flew open and your boyfriend was standing at the top of the stairs as you placed your hand on the front door handle.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” He said angrily, storming across the room.

“I’m just gonna stay with Ash.” You said quietly.

“Like hell you are,” he said, pulling you back into the living room, “You can’t just leave me, I’m your fucking boyfriend.” He smacked you across the face and you whimpered. “Plus you’ll just burden him with all your pathetic needs. How many times have I told you that I’m the only one prepared enough to tolerate you?” You brought a shaky hand up to your cheek and felt the warm wetness as blood seeped out of a new cut he put there.

“No, I’m leaving Ethan. I've had enough.” You said with the strongest voice you could muster as you ran out the front door. You saw Ashton on his way up to your door. 

“Oh God, Y/N. Are you okay?” He asked, spotting your cheek immediately. You nodded and then turned to face your boyfriend who grabbed your arm roughly.

“She’s fine,” he gripped you tighter, obviously not pleased with your earlier behavior, “you can head out mate, she’s staying here.” He addressed Ashton somewhat aggressively.

“Ethan, let go. You’re hurting me.” You fought, trying to pry yourself from his grip. Ashton stepped in and clutched your boyfriend's wrist that had grip on your arm, never breaking eye contact.

“If you don’t let her go and get in the car with me, I swear to God you will regret every time you ever laid a hand on her. Every moment you ever yelled at her. Every time you ever made her cry. Let go, _mate_. Or it won’t get pretty.” Ashton’s voice was so calm and unwavering, it made you a little bit scared as your boyfriend threw his hands up in defense.

“Call me when you find out you’re safe, Y/N. I love you.” You stared at your boyfriend. You felt partly surprised and partly guilty at the sudden personality switch. You wanted to hold him and tell him you loved him too. Were you making a mistake? Why were you leaving in the first place?

“She’ll be safe with me.” Ashton muttered, intertwining your fingers. Your thoughts got cut off as the two of you walked over to his car. He opened and shut your door for you before climbing in the driver’s side and peeling out. 

Things were quiet as your drove to Ashton’s place. It wasn’t until Ashton spoke that you realized you were crying.

“Are you okay, Y/N?” He asked quietly, looking at you and then back at the road. You brought a hand to your cheek and quickly wiped away your tears.

“I’m fine.” You said quietly. Ashton didn’t press things any further as the two of you pulled into his driveway. He came around and opened your door for you and you got out of his car, staring at the house in front of you. You had never been to his new place. Since his band had gotten more famous, he had bought a new house for his mother and siblings as well as himself. He walked up the path and through the front door. 

“I’ll grab you some clothes to change into. Make yourself at home in the mean time.” He said, smiling and placing a kiss on your forehead. You smiled at the warmth and stood there looking around. His new place was so nice. You couldn’t stop yourself from wandering over to the couch. It was so big and fluffy. You curled up, hugging one of the pillows to your chest. It wasn’t long before you found yourself drifting off to sleep.

“Hey, Y/N!” You jumped awake, searching frantically for the owner of the voice. You forgot momentarily where you were and were half expecting to see your boyfriend. “Shit, I didn’t know you fell asleep. I’m so sorry.” You visibly relaxed when you realized it was just Ashton.

“It’s okay.” You say with a small smile. He returned it, and sat down next to you.

“I brought you some clothes,” he held up what looked like an old t-shirt and sweats, “and also a first aid kit.” He gave you a sad smile and you gingerly touched your cheek. The cut was still bleeding.

“Thanks for doing all of this, Ash. I’m sorry to put you out at all.” He shushed you as he opened the kit and pulled on a pair of latex gloves.

“Don’t. I’m just glad we were able to get you out of there. This is gonna sting a bit,” you winced as he dabbed at your cheek with an alcohol swab, “I can go back tomorrow to get your things.” He said, grabbing adhesive stitches and placing them over the cut. 

“I haven’t broken up with him…” You said quietly, not meeting Ashton’s gaze.

“Well that should be easy. The fucking prick won’t touch you with me standing there.” He grinned triumphantly, but stopped when he saw the tears leaking out of your eyes. He took off his gloves and placed a gentle hand on your knee. “What’s wrong, Y/N?”

“He loves me,” you started, taking deep shaky breaths, “and I love him. It’s just a bad spell. He doesn’t mean to hurt me, he doesn’t. I should give him another chance. It’s my fault for fucking things up all the time, I mean, he’s gracious enough to let me stay in his home and all I have to do is cook and clean and if I can’t do that right then he has a right to be mad at me. And he looked so sad when I was leaving with you and I just can't-” 

“Enough. Please.” Ashton interrupted you. Your eyes met his. They were filled with unshed tears and you furrowed your brows in confusion.

“Ashton, why are you?...” You trailed off when he stood up and put the first aid kit on a nearby shelf.

“You don’t understand how bad he has hurt you. And is hurting you. Y/N, you’ve been dating him for nearly _2 years_ and I’ve sat by and watched him hurt you time after time. You used to be one of the most confident people I knew, and now…” He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. “You never cut yourself before you dated him. You never doubted your abilities.” You pulled your sleeves down self consciously over the marks that adorned your arms. You told Ashton about it because you knew he struggled with it in the past. He helped you.

“He doesn’t mean it.” You could taste the bitterness of the lie as you spit it out. You found yourself unable to hold the sobs in and soon Ashton’s warm embrace welcomed you. The two of you sat there, you soaking his shirt with your tears, and him rubbing your back gently for God knows how long. 

After a bit, you pulled away and Ashton placed a kiss on your forehead. 

“C’mon, get changed and we’ll get you to bed.” He said sweetly, leading you to the bathroom. You did so quickly, avoiding your reflection in the mirror.

When you emerged from the bathroom he met you with a bright smile, ignoring the way you stood shyly in his clothes, and led you to his bedroom.

“You can sleep here, I’ll take the couch.” He said. “If you need anything, just let me know.” He hugged you and waited until you crawled under the covers before he left. You felt your eyelids droop and it wasn’t long before you were drifting off to sleep again.

_“Y/N, get the hell in here.” You climbed out of bed and ran into the other room as your boyfriend demanded, only to see Ashton being held at gunpoint._

_“What?! Ethan, stop it!” You cried out. You tried to run to get in front of Ashton, but your feet were glued to the floor._

_“Tell me you love me! Tell me that he means nothing to you!” Your boyfriend yelled. You looked into Ashton’s pleading eyes and then back to your boyfriend._

_“If I do, will you let him go?” You asked frantically. When your boyfriend nodded you turned to Ashton. “I don’t love Ashton, I love you. Ashton means nothing to me.” You cried out. Your heart nearly ripped in two as you said those words. You looked to your boyfriend who shook his head, smiling evilly._

_“Not good enough, sweetheart.” A gunshot rang through the room and you saw Ashton fall to the floor._

_“No!” You screamed, running up to your boyfriend. He simply chuckled lightly before pulling you into his arms, gripping your jaw and bringing your lips to his._

You shot up in bed, panting heavily. You were covered in a thin layer of sweat and Ashton’s door slammed open causing you to jump and rip the covers over your head.

“Shit, Y/N, are you okay? I heard you yell.” You peaked out to see a shirtless Ashton standing before you looking disheveled and panicked. You stared at him before shaking your head no gently. He sighed and ran a hand through his messy curls.

"Alright. Do you need anything?" He asked, voice groggy. You sat silent for a moment before running a hand along one of your cheeks, wiping off tears you didn't know were there.

“C-can you stay here with me?” You whimpered out. His expression softened and he nodded. He pulled a shirt out of his dresser and put it on before climbing into bed with you. He didn’t ask questions about what had happened. He just laid there with you, pulling you against him so you were his little spoon. 

After a while of silence, he must have sensed that you were still awake because he started humming the tune of a song unknown by you. You immediately relaxed into his grip and closed your eyes, letting his voice sooth you into a, this time, peaceful and dreamless sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Your eyes opened slowly as the sun hit your face through the open curtains. You felt breathing on the back of your neck and turned your head to see Ashton’s face. his mouth was slightly ajar and his eyebrows were knitted together in concentration. Even though he was asleep his arm was tight around your waist. You looked at it, smiling to yourself. You traced the veins along his forearm with your fingers. You felt so safe. You wiggled out of his grasp and tiptoed downstairs, looking through your phone.

You weren’t sure whether to be relieved or heartbroken at the lack of communication from your boyfriend. The only evidence that he knew you left was a text.

_I love you babe. I’m sorry_

You sat down at the kitchen table and typed out a thousand different messages a thousand different ways before erasing it completely and tossing your phone on the table. You rest your head in your hands, wincing slightly at your now very bruised cheek. 

“Everything okay?” Your head shot up to see Ashton rubbing his eyes and walking towards you. 

“Yeah.” You said quietly, eyeing your phone. You bit your lip nervously, fingers hovering over the keyboard. “I have to break up with him though, don’t I?” Your voice was small. 

“I gave you my opinion on that last night.” He said walking to the kitchen, putting coffee in a filter and then in the machine before pressing brew. “And you’re wrong if you think I’m gonna let you move back in with him.” He took a seat next to you, taking his hand in yours. 

“I know.” you took a shaky breath, squeezing Ashton’s hand. He was always your voice of reason. Of course you knew your boyfriend was dangerous, but he did love you. No one believed it, but you saw it. You saw the look of guilt in his eyes after an episode. You felt the love when he would pull you close to him, rubbing gentle circles into your skin with his fingers. 

“I can do it if you want,” Ashton said quietly, breaking your train of thought as his thumb stroking your hand, “me and the guys can go over and get your stuff. Tell him you’re done.” You sat there and considered his offer. Part of you, of course, wanted to say no. You wanted to go over there and face him yourself. Break it off by yourself. Another part of you, however, knew that if you went alone you would give in to his sweet words and his apologies and his promise to never do it again. 

Despite his love, you knew it was dangerous to stay with him. 

“Can we do it together?” You asked, your voice soft as you avoided Ashton's gaze. 

“Of course.” He said, wrapping you in a tight embrace. The two of you sat there for a moment and then he stood up, walking to the kitchen. The two of you had some coffee and toast, making plans about the afternoon to come. 

A few hours passed and you were sitting in the front seat of Ashton’s car, leg bouncing up and down nervously. Michael sat in the back seat while Calum and Luke followed you guys with Luke’s truck. 

“I swear, I should just beat the shit out of him instead of you speaking to him.” Michael grumbled out, fiddling with his shirt. Needless to say, the boys were incredibly eager to visit ‘the asshole’ as they unceremoniously named him. 

“You don’t work out enough to be able to beat anyone up.” Ashton joked. 

“Well here’s how I see it,” Michael leaned forward, placing his elbows on each of your seats, “you and Cal are the muscle, obviously.” 

“Obviously.” Ashton replied sarcastically. 

“I’m here for my wit. He tries to say anything rude to Y/N, and I’ll fucking pummel him to the ground with words.” You smile to yourself, fiddling with your hands. 

“Clearly. And Luke?” Ashton turned onto your road. 

“He’s fucking huge. Intimidation factor much?” Michael smirked, placing a hand on your shoulder and winking. You knew he said all of this to try and lighten the mood, but it was hard to shake the sense of dread in the pit of your stomach as you turned onto your road, and soon into your driveway. You took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, unbuckling your seatbelt. 

Michael hopped out of the back seat as soon as Ashton put the car into park.. He walked back to Calum and Luke, no doubt to tell them his plan, and you took a deep breath staring at the front door. 

“You ready?” Ashton asked. You nodded and squeezed his hand, eyeing the house warily. You watched as Ethan peeked out of the curtains, before opening the front door and jogging out onto the lawn. 

“Y/N? What’s going on? You okay?” Ethan eyed you as you stepped out of the car, face full of concern. His gaze switched to the tall men walking towards him. "Guys, hey. How's it going?" 

“We’ll go grab your stuff, okay?” Calum said, he and the other boys ignoring Ethan entirely as they made their way into the house. 

“Y/N, talk to me. What’s happening baby?” He walked up to you and stroked your arm gently. "I know I was a little out of hand, but baby you know when I get like that it's not because I don't love-" 

“I’m leaving.” You said, your voice firm. 

“What?” His voice was breathy as he withdrew his arm. "Why baby? Is it because of him?" Ethan's voice became louder as he pointed roughly in Ashton's direction. 

“It's not about him. It was never about him. This doesn’t work anymore, Ethan,” you said, tears in your eyes, “we’re not happy like we used to be. People change, people drift apart.” You tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, meeting his gaze. He pinched the bridge of his nose and shut his eyes tightly, clearly trying not to lose his temper. 

“You're just gonna leave me? After everything I've done for you, you're gonna leave me for this group of...of faggots?!" His attempt to control his temper was clearly put under wraps as he pushed your shoulders, towering over you. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Ashton walk forward, but both men froze at the sound of a calm and collected voice. 

“Hey man, not cool.” Calum and Luke had just stepped out, and Luke made his way over, dropping a suit case as he spoke. 

“You stay out of this.” Ethan pointed a finger at him. "This has nothing to do with you, stretch." Luke just took a step forward and looked down onto Ethan's face, his gaze unwavering. 

“Leave the girl alone.” He said quietly. There was no fear in his voice, nor a threatening tone. It was just gentle Luke Hemmings asking politely. Ethan's hands fisted as he glared up at Luke, trying to size him up and see his chance at winning in a fight against him. 

“You know what,” Ethan threw his arms up in surrender said, "you call me when you're in your right mind, babe." He glared at you before turning around and storming past Calum into the house. 

“Thanks.” You said quietly. Luke pulled you into a quick side hug. 

“No problem," he said with a small smile, "I guess Michael’s plan worked.” You chuckled softly and helped them pack up your things into Ashton and Luke's vehicles, unbelievably thankful for friends like them. 


	5. Fresh Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken so long to update! I've been in somewhat of a slump. I've finally gotten back on track, though. Slowly but surely. Please let me know what you guys think! 
> 
> Trigger Warning! 
> 
> There is a description of a panic attack and mentions of self harm and night terrors in this chapter.

It’s been about a month since you moved out of Ethan's house. You had been staying with Ashton, but you finally found your own place that was in your price range. You hated to be living in his home, unable to contribute anything but the occasional meal or house cleaning. He refused to take money from you after you got your job, insisting that you saved it for yourself. That's when you found the place that the boys were helping you move in to today.

“Ugh, Y/N, this place is a sty.” Michael groaned, sneezing as dust flew up after he placed a box on the floor. It was a studio apartment, so it was all one room. It wasn’t much, but it was what you could afford. Still, you couldn't help but be proud, smiling at the broken tiled ceiling and exposed brick walls.

“I think it’s rather cozy.” Calum said, his tone unconvincing. “Look, there’s a fridge and a microwave. That’s all anyone needs!” You smiled at them.

“It’s a shit place, I know. But it’s home now.” You said shrugging. Luke cringed at some of the peeling wallpaper next to the door. You winced at it and coughed to get his attention, noting the grimace on his face. "All it needs is a little TLC." The boys changed subjects quickly, mentioning something about going out for drinks as they helped you bring the rest of your things up. After they finished, you kindly declined their offer, smiling when Ashton agreed to stay with you as well.

“You know, I think you should let me help you find a place that’s in a little bit better neighborhood.” Ashton said. He was staying to help you unpack so you poured each of you a glass of wine and sat on the couch next to him, fiddling through your boxes.

“This was the cheapest available place,” you said, pulling out photos, “everywhere else had a waiting list of at least 6 months.” You took a sip of your wine and placed your glass back down on the coffee table.

“And what’s wrong with staying with me for another 6 months?” He asked, his hand resting on your knee gently. Your face turned red. Over the past month, you and Ashton had this sexual tension between the two of you that neither of you brought up. For Ashton, he knew you would need time to recoup from your previous relationship, but you were honestly just scared of falling in love again. Ashton was the kind of guy that made falling in love with him easy too.

“I couldn’t be a burden to you any longer than I already was.” You said, taking a photo out of the box in front of you. You cringed slightly at the memory it brought forward. It was a family photo and Ethan stood there among the ranks, smiling brightly. You could remember the day, clear as glass. He had gotten along swimmingly with your whole family, nothing but laughing and jokes. You felt a pang of sorrow but you shook your head, placing it on the side table of the couch. Why did things have to change so drastically? 

“You’re not a burden, and you never will be,” Ashton said, breaking your train of thought as he took the box from you and set it on the floor next to him. He met your eyes and held your hands gently in his larger ones.

“I think that maybe you’re just too nice to ever tell me how you really feel.” You said jokingly, your eyes glued on his lips. Your faces were subconsciously moving closer and closer together.

“You know damn well how I feel.” Ashton whispered, your faces inches apart. The two of you sat there, your face heating up as you felt his nervous breath hit your face. He began to move forward and you coughed awkwardly and stood up, causing the both of you turning red. Ashton took a long drink of his wine and made a face at the taste.

“Gross.” He muttered under his breath, eyeing the almost empty glass with distaste before downing the rest.

“Hey, I like pink moscato.” You said playfully. He chuckled at you and made a face before the two of you went about unpacking like nothing had happened; one thing you were very grateful for.

A few hours and about 2 more glasses of wine each later, and your place was nearly finished being unpacked, all that was left was your closet which you were saving for a rainy day. You were both lying on the floor, staring at the water stained ceiling through the broken, yellow tiles. You felt a sense of pride rise in your chest as you eyed each cobweb and discoloration. Every single spot of imperfection. It was all yours. Something that seemed impossible mere months ago was now very much your reality. You were free.

“I did it.” You said triumphantly, squeezing Ashton’s hand in yours. You blinked away happy tears that appeared in your eyes.

“Yes you did.” He replied, voice full of fondness. You turned your head to look at him and found that he had been staring at you the whole time. You felt your face heat up and hoped he would simply think it was from the wine.

“What’re you staring at?” You asked quietly. Ashton opened his mouth as if to say something and then closed it again. There was a moment of silence before he spoke.

“I’m so unbelievably proud of you, Y/N,” he started with a shaking voice, “I’m proud of you, but at the same time I’m fucking terrified.” You raised an eyebrow, but he continued speaking before you could say anything. 

“Less than a month ago, you were having night terrors and self harming and…since you moved out of Ethan’s place, you haven’t had time to yourself, ya know? You been constantly keeping yourself busy around the house. Cooking for me, cleaning, organizing, looking for your own place. Not to mention when you started your job at the gallery. You've hardly had time to rest. I’m just worried about you.” His large hand squeezed yours tightly, his thumb rubbing circles soothingly.

“I had to earn my keep. If I just sat around your house I would’ve been freeloading. I didn’t want you to get mad. You let me stay there with your money buying me things, I couldn't just be ungrateful and sit on my ass all day. You deserve better than that.” You said quietly, your eyes starting to well up with tears. He sat up and quickly pulled you into a tight hug. You knew it was stupid, but you couldn’t keep yourself from crying. So many negative memories were coming to play in your mind. He stood up, helping you onto the couch. 

“I’m gonna grab a glass of water for you okay?” He said quietly. You nodded and when he walked over to the kitchen area you felt everything come crashing down at once.  
You pulled your knees up to your chest, squeezing your eyes shut tightly. Your chest felt constricted. Tight. Like you couldn’t breath. You opened your eyes and stared at Ashton's back, unable to speak clearly to get his attention.

You felt your vision became blurry with tears, but you couldn’t bring yourself to blink them away. You took a gasping breath, attempting to bring air back into your lungs as you began to see spots in your vision. You heard Ashton’s voice, but it sounded like it was far away. You didn’t know what was happening and suddenly you felt a warm pair of lips on yours. 

Your eyes went wide and you began blinking away the spots rapidly, taking no notice of the tears that trekked their way down your cheeks. Your hands gripped Ashton's biceps firmly as your knees fell, placing your feet back on the floor. You stared at Ashton who was currently kissing you, one hand on the back of your neck and one on your back, sitting in between your legs on the floor. 

When he noticed you staring at him he pulled back and looked at you, his eyebrows knitted together in concern. You furrowed your brows, breathing heavily as you stared at his shiny, kiss swollen lips, his cheeks wet from tears that weren't his. You hardly noticed when he began speaking again.

“I-I’m sorry but I didn’t know what was happening and you didn’t respond when I was talking to you so I just did what I thought would help which I now realize was a dumb mistake an-” you interrupted him and brought your lips to his again gently. Something felt right when you kissed Ashton. His lips molded perfectly with yours. Maybe it was the wine messing with your head, but you felt safe. You weren’t scared when you were with him. Things felt right. You felt free. You moaned softly, and pulled him closer to you, gripping his shirt tightly in your balled fists.

He pulled away and you stared at him breathlessly, feeling cold at the loss of contact.

“Y/N, I don’t think-” You shook your head and placed a finger over his mouth, stopping his words in their tracks. You gave a small smile and wiped your cheeks with the beck of your hand to dry the tears that had fallen earlier.

“Please stay with me. Just tonight?” You ask quietly, peering into gentle, hazel eyes. He smiled sadly and nodded.

“Just tonight.” He muttered, placing a soft kiss on your forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it was! Hope you enjoyed it. The piece is coming closer to an end, but I'm happy with the way it turned out. I hope you like it. Please leave kudos/comments!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr: clamu-hnod


	6. Independance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long- I'm going to update "President Material" today too. I've been battling my depression a lot these past couple of months, and haven't found the motivation to write, nor the inspiration. But I'm back, and I'm going to try and keep going strong. Thank you to whoever reads this for your patience and understanding! This story is almost finished, and I'm very happy with the ending. 
> 
> Love you guys; stay strong!

It had been almost 2 months since the night Ashton helped you move in, and you hadn’t spoken to him since. You were heartbroken, if you were being honest. You had woken up to an empty bed that morning, and a text from Ashton that said:

_I’m sorry, but I don’t think we should do this until we’re both sure we’re ready._

You were confused and hurt. You tried to contact him multiple times, attempting to talk things out with your former best friend, but he never responded to your calls, and only texted you with excuses such as “I have band practice” or “I’m writing right now.” You soon realized, after 2 weeks of petty excuses and ignored voicemail messages, that you had seriously misjudged your ability to trust him.

You had moved on, though. If there was one thing your experiences had taught you, it was that you never take time for granted, so you made sure to distract yourself with anything you could. You found a job in a local art gallery nearby after attending a recreational class or two as a suggestion from your therapist. You were only a receptionist as of now, but the person that held the job before you was currently working in the same gallery approving/disapproving artworks that came through for galas. You knew that if you stuck with it, eventually you could be in a similar position. Not to mention you got full access to any supply rooms to create whenever you wanted free of charge. While all of this was happening, you had gotten into the habit of texting Ashton about how your day went every night, and he would read them but never respond. It's not that you were expecting a response, but you had no one else aside from your therapist, so you dealt with the never ending wall of silence.

You were currently in your room, fixing your hair for an art gala going on tonight when you heard the doorbell ring. You groaned, assuming it was the landlord asking for extra money for so called "leakage fixing," but judging by the bags under his eyes, the beer gut under his shirt, and the fact that you still had to put out bowls and buckets when it rained, it was just for more booze.

“Coming!” You yelled. You zipped your dress up and opened the door whilst finishing snapping on the backs of your earrings.

“Hey, Y/N.” Your eyes widened and you immediately took a defensive stance as Ethan’s eyes met yours. You clenched and unclenched your fists nervously, eyeing him with careful inspection. You swallowed thickly, taking in his tired expression and the almost guilty look in his eyes. You briefly wondered if maybe all this time apart had caused you to exasperate the memory of his actions.

“How did you find out where I live?” You asked quietly. He scoffed, suddenly turning back into the man you remember, guilty expressing fading quickly.

“I'm not stupid, babe. I knew how much you had in your savings, and I saw you working at the place down the road- by the way, an art gallery? Really? You're better than that. I put two and two together, and I've been knocking on every door in this place. Glad I found you, though.” You winced away from him as he let himself into your apartment, shoulder purposefully nudging you. You took a deep breath, and turned around immediately so as not to have your back turned to him.

“You need to leave or I’ll call-”

“Call who? Ashton? You guys don’t talk anymore.” He chuckled out. “Once you spread your legs, he was in and out, huh?”

“I didn’t have sex with him.” You said, holding your ground as best you could, but you couldn’t deny the fact that you and Ashton weren’t talking. You glared at him as he walked over to your kitchen area, opening your fridge and grabbing a soda, popping the top.

“But he left you? What’d you do, kiss? Cuddle? Some gay shit like that?” He scoffed and you refused to answer and took a long chug of the soda, never breaking eye contact with you as you crossed your arms, and tapped your fingers impatiently.

“I’m going to be late, you need to leave.” You muttered, staring at the ground as you spoke. He placed his soda on the counter and walked up to you. You flinched away, taking a step back before he grabbed you upper arm tenderly. You felt sick to your stomach when you nearly leaned into the touch, lonely after so much time by yourself. You looked up to meet his eyes as he smiled gently at you, reminding the Ethan you first met- first fell in love with.

“Sweetheart, listen. I'm here because I've done some serious thinking, and I've decided to forgive you. I know that you need me, and I'm willing to move past what happened to help you. Let's be real here, I’m the only one that will stick with you. Even your so called best friend has left you. No one wants you except for me,” he stroked the side of your face tenderly as you moved to stare at his chest, angry tears forming, “come back home with me, baby. I’m the only one who will take care of you.” Your eyes snapped up to his at his words and you shook yourself out of his grasp before reaching your hand up and slapping him across the face. 

The sound resonated throughout your one room apartment as he stood there shocked. He brought a hand up and rubbed his cheek before looking incredulously at you.

“You’re wrong.” You said firmly, balling your hands into fists. His last few words are what really got to you. “You’re wrong, Ethan. Christ, _I_ am taking care of me. I happen to _love_ my life right now.” Angry tears made their way down your face as you threw your arms up, gesturing to the small apartment. “ _I_ pay for this place! _I_ wake myself up in the morning, and _I_ put food in my refrigerator." 

You found yourself becoming angrier, not even caring that Ethan's face became a darker shade of red with every word you spoke.

"After I left you, I was fine. After Ashton broke my heart and left I was fine. I moved the fuck on. I got a job. A job I _love_ doing.” You threw your arms up in frustration. “I’m not afraid of coming home anymore, Ethan. I’m fine. I did this all myself. Me. I did it.” He was staring at you, chest heaving and red faced. You didn't care. "I don't need you, or anyone else." The last words were quiet, more a realization for yourself rather than part of your rant to him. He glared at you, stepping forward intently.

“You fucking-”

“What the hell are you doing here?!” You turned around to see Ashton standing in your doorway, glaring at Ethan. Your eyebrows raised in confusion. You opened your mouth to say something, but Ethan beat you it.

“What the fuck are _you_ doing here? You left her.” Ashton winced at his words and looked at you. You were a mess, you were sure. Tear stained cheeks and disheveled hair. You brought a hand up to wipe at your face, gently rubbing underneath your eyes to fix any make up that may have smeared.

He didn’t look much better, though. His eyes had larger bags under them than you had seen in a long time. He looked thin and his posture wasn’t nearly as proud as it once was. To be honest, you didn't care. He brought it upon himself. At the memory of the ignored calls and dismissed text messages, you suddenly became angry again. This was too much. You were too overwhelmed.

“Leave. Both of you.” You said, eyes moving to stare at the floor underneath your feet as fresh tears made their way down your face. Neither one of the boys moved for a few moments before you ex shoved a finger into your chest. Ashton began to move towards him, but you simply met Ethan’s eyes and held up a hand for Ashton to stop moving towards the two of you.

“This is your last fucking chance,” he said in a low voice. Your insides twisted in fear, but your glare held strong, “the second I walk out that door I’m out of your life forever.”

It was silent as both of them waited for your reaction. You would be lying if you said you didn’t consider his offer. It killed you, but you were stronger now and there was once a time you loved each other. Maybe you could fix him...maybe you would be able to-

“No,” you croaked out in a small voice, cutting off your own train of thought, “you need to leave.” He scoffed and drew his hand back like he wanted to hit you. You winced away, stepping back, but he simply yelled and hit the doorway as he stormed out, purposefully shoving Ashton out of the way. Your hands were shaking and your eyes were watering as your gaze moved to your former best friend.

“Are you oka-” you glared at Ashton, cutting him off.

“I want you to leave too.” You said. You bit back the tears in your eyes as you stared him directly in the face.

“Y/N-”

“NO!” You shut your eyes tightly and stomped. It was childish, but you had been hurt so much lately, you didn’t care. There was too much going on, too much bombarding you. “You left me,” you sobbed out, staring at him through your tear blurred vision, “you left in the middle of the night when I trusted you. You’re my best friend Ashton. I was in love with you and you broke my heart. You broke my fucking heart!” You screamed at him and he furrowed his brows before walking up to you and embracing you tightly.

You sobbed into his chest, screaming and punching it at some points. You were so frustrated and angry. The events, or rather lack thereof, from the past two months played on repeat in your mind, and on top of that you still loved him. 

“I’m so fucking sorry.” He whispered. You could tell by his labored breathing that he was crying, but you couldn’t care less. You were hurt and exhausted. You struggled to keep the words in your mind from pushing their way forward, but the damage was already done as you heard yourself speak.

“Why? Am I not good enough? Is he right?” You fought to catch your breath as you buried your face into his chest. You felt his hands ball your dress into his fists and he shook his head.

“No. _Christ_ , no. It’s because I’m a fucking coward.” You looked up at him and saw you were right about the tears. His jaw was clenched and he had tear stained cheeks. 

“Why are you scared of me?” You whimpered, sniffling. You didn't understand. He didn't have a right to be afraid. It was silent as he looked past you your head before meeting your eyes with his tired ones.

“It's not you I'm afraid of, Y/N.” He whispered.

“Then why? Why did you leave me? You promised you would keep me safe and then you jus-” he cut you off with his lips to yours. You furrowed your brows in confusion before a hand tangled into his hair and then other gripped his shirt tightly. He pulled you closer to him, and slanted his mouth over yours, deepening the kiss. Your tongues met and you moaned quietly as you felt him lift you up, your legs wrapping around his waist as he pushed you against the wall behind you. He broke the kiss, both of you breathing heavily as you stared at the other.

“Because I fell in love with you.” He breathed out, his breath hot against your face.


	7. Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter! I hope you guys aren't pissed at me about the ending, but we'll see. :)

You laid in bed with Ashton, staring at his naked chest mesmerized by the silent rise and fall. Letting out a content sigh, you peaked at the clock on your bedside table and saw it was 4:13am. You had definitely missed your gala. Slipping out of bed and pulling Ashton’s discarded t-shirt over your naked frame, you stretched your arms out to relieve any tension that lay there after your passionate night together. 

You walked over to the large window that let out to the fire escape of you building, and grabbed your emergency cigarettes from the bookshelf before climbing out and settling yourself on the cool metal. You looked out on the streets as you lit your cigarette, curiously watching stray cats dig in the garbage and 3rd shift workers exiting a nearby factory. Sirens from some sort of emergency vehicle blared in the distance, but you couldn't be bothered to search for them as you shivered slightly due to the small breeze in the air.

You took another drag from your cigarette and ran a hand through your hair thinking about everything that had just happened. It was mostly a blur to you, if you were honest. Ashton had told you he loved you, and then proved that physically, but you hadn’t returned the sentiment. It was the farthest thing from how you felt toward him at the moment. You weren't sure if he expected you to or not, but you felt as though it shouldn't be expected of you after what he put you through. He fucked you over pretty badly (figuratively and literally) and, to be honest, you weren’t sure if you wanted to be anything with him if it was his go-to to leave if things got fishy.

“Since when did you start smoking?” You turned your head to see a shirtless Ashton climbing out onto the fire escape with you. He had pulled on the pants he was wearing yesterday, but hadn't bothered buttoning them.

“About a week after I got my job at the gallery. Not that you would’ve been there to stop me.” You took another drag and looked away from him after you saw his jaw clench. To be honest, you couldn't care less about making him feel guilty. He deserved it.

Ashton took a seat next to you and ran a hand through his tousled hair, looking at the scenery below him. You felt him watch you as you stared at the swirling smoke coming from your cigarette before putting it out on the metal in front of you.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” Ashton spoke quietly. You tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, still not meeting his gaze as he made a sudden movement to grasp your hand, causing you to flinch away. He pulled his hand back just as quickly as he shot it out and sat it awkwardly on his knee.

“I know you’re sorry, Ash. But that doesn’t change anything.” You muttered, scooting away from him slightly. You could feel his eyes boring into you, and looked up to see his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Actually, it does change things.” He said quietly. You frowned and crossed your arms.

“No, actually, it does-”

“Just listen, Y/N.” Ashton’s voice didn’t rise above it’s calming lilt as he spoke, and you set your arms gently on your knees, still frowning at him. “It changes things because I’ve realized how wrong I was. The entire time we weren’t talking, every text of yours I blatantly ignored, I thought I was in the right. I was sure that space was exactly what we needed. I knew that there was no way I could be wrong. I had helped get you out of there, so I was the good guy. I knew what was best for you." He scoffed and shook his head, fists clenching and unclenching. "Well, I look at the way I’ve been acting these past few months and I’m appalled at myself. I’m no better than him.” 

The way he spits the word causes your eyes to cast downward, realizing how much Ashton hated him and that it must have taken a lot of self recognition to compare himself to the man that had caused you a lifetime of damage. 

“I know that it doesn’t make things better between the two of us, Y/N,” you met his gaze as he spoke your name, “but it does change things.” As his eyes bore into yours you could almost see the truth in his statement. And it’s not as if you could say he was wrong, because you knew he wasn’t. You sighed and pulled out another cigarette, lighting it.

“Ashton, I love you,” you whispered softly, his eyes lighting up, “but I’m not sure how I love you yet.” He blinked slowly, his face falling slightly. “I’ve been through a lot of shit, Ash. I’m finding out who I am. I have a job I genuinely enjoy. And yes, of course I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but I have so much soul searching and self exploration to do before I jump into another relationship. Let alone with someone I don't know if I can trust." You ignored his wince at your words, and continued unapologetically.

"I know I have feelings for you, Ashton. I’m just not sure what those feelings are. You need to accept and respect that.” You finished with a drag of your cigarette and he smiled. It wasn’t a sad smile, nor was it one of happiness. More of gentle understanding.

“I get that, Y/N. And I would be ecstatic if you let me stay in your life as a friend during said soul-searching.” He said, nudging your arm with his elbow playfully. You exhaled your smoke and smirked.

“Only if you promise not to try and fuck me anymore.” You said with a playful wink. He chuckled softly, leaning back on his hands.

“On one condition.” You raised an eyebrow at his words and signaled for him to continue. He grabbed your cigarette with one hand and held it up to your face. “Quit this.” He said. You laughed and grabbed it from him.

“You’ve got a deal. But let me finish this pack.” You smiled at him and he smiled back.

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! Hope you guys enjoyed this series, I enjoyed writing it. :) Please leave comments/kudos, it really helps let me know you enjoyed my work and motivates me to keep working!


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